I Found Buster On Top of the Refrigerator
March 8, 1999 — 7:14 PM
Current mood: 😐 resigned
It happened again.
I came home from the grocery store. I put the bags on the counter. I looked up and there was Buster. On top of the refrigerator. Looking at me. With his little eyestalks.
He was just... sitting there. Like he owned the place. Which, at this point, maybe he does.
Gerald ran in from the other room yelling "DON'T SCARE HIM" as if I was the problem in this situation. I am never the problem in this situation. The problem is a 4-pound coconut crab who has learned to defeat padlocks.
The paprika is everywhere.
I'm going to my mother's house.
Sandra is exaggerating. Buster was calm and well-behaved on the refrigerator. Also the paprika can be cleaned up. Also I love you. Also Buster loves you too in his own way.
Gerald, stop editing my blog posts. And no he doesn't. He broke my Yellowstone mug. That's not love, that's property damage.
Crab Cakes (A Recipe & A Moral Crisis)
March 5, 1999 — 6:02 AM
Current mood: 🍳 cooking
I am posting this at 6 AM because Gerald is asleep and if he sees this recipe he will have feelings about it.
I make very good crab cakes. Everyone says so. My mother says so. Gerald's mother says so. The neighbors said so before Gerald got us banned from their property (Buster in the pool, Escape #36).
Gerald has "complicated feelings" about crab cakes. And by complicated I mean he cried the first time he saw me making them. He sat at the kitchen table and said, very quietly, "Sandra, that could be someone's Captain Pinch."
It was grocery store crab meat, Gerald. From a can.
He still ate three of them.
Sandra's Famous Crab Cakes
Makes 8 cakes — Prep: 20 min — Cook: 12 min
Ingredients:
- 1 lb lump crab meat (Gerald: please don't read this)
- 1/3 cup mayonnaise
- 1 egg, beaten
- 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
- 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
- 1 tsp Old Bay seasoning
- 1/2 cup breadcrumbs
- 2 tbsp fresh parsley, chopped
- Salt & pepper to taste
- Butter for pan-frying
Directions:
- Check that Gerald is not in the kitchen. This is the most important step.
- Gently fold crab meat with mayo, egg, mustard, Worcestershire, and Old Bay.
- Add breadcrumbs and parsley. Season with salt and pepper.
- Form into 8 patties. Refrigerate 30 minutes.
- Pan-fry in butter over medium heat, 5-6 minutes per side until golden.
- Serve immediately. If Gerald asks what you're cooking, say "chicken."
I found this post. I have feelings about it. You used the word "lump" to describe the crab meat. Lump. As if the crab was just... ingredients. I need a minute.
Gerald you ate SIX of them last time. SIX.
They were very good. I hate that they were very good.
11 Years of Marriage, 14 Crabs, 0 Fixed Roofs
February 28, 1999 — 11:30 PM
Current mood: 💭 reflective
Gerald and I have been married for 11 years today.
When we got married, he had one crab. ONE. Captain Pinch, the original. Gerald told me — and I remember this very clearly — "It's just a hobby, Sandra. One small hermit crab."
Eleven years later there are 14 crabs in our house. One of them is a coconut crab that has escaped 47 times. Our bathroom is a crab habitat. We shower at the neighbors' house (different neighbors — the pool neighbors won't talk to us). Our roof leaks because Gerald spent the repair money on a trip fund to watch 50 million crabs walk to the ocean.
And you know what?
I love him. God help me, I love this man.
He came to bed at 2 AM last night because he was updating his crab website. He smelled like coconut fiber and salt water. He whispered "Captain Pinch II molted today, Sandra. His new shell is beautiful." And then he fell asleep in 30 seconds.
I lay there in the dark thinking: this is my life. My husband loves crabs. There is a coconut crab somewhere in this house right now and I don't know where. The roof is leaking into a bucket in the living room. My favorite mug is broken.
And somehow, it's enough.
Happy anniversary, Gerald. Please fix the roof.
Sandra, this is the nicest thing you've ever written about me. I am crying at my desk. Captain Pinch II is watching me cry and I think he understands. I will fix the roof. I promise. (After the Christmas Island fund reaches $2,000.)
Gerald. The roof.
Right. The roof. Yes. Soon.
Things I Have Found Crabs In (A Running List)
February 15, 1999 — 8:00 AM
Current mood: 📋 documenting
I am keeping this list for legal purposes.
- The dishwasher (4 times)
- My purse (twice)
- The bread box
- Gerald's briefcase (he took Buster to work)
- My sock drawer (it was CLOSED)
- On my pillow at 3 AM
- In the bathtub (this is actually fine since we don't use that bathroom anymore)
- Inside the dryer (terrifying)
- On top of the refrigerator (HOW)
- My shoe (pinched my toe)
- The neighbor's swimming pool
- Gerald's coffee mug (he still drank the coffee)
- Behind the television
- In the garage behind the lawnmower
- Inside the piano (we don't own a piano — it was the neighbors' piano)
- The car glove compartment
- Under the Christmas tree (December 1998 — Gerald said it was "festive")
- The mailbox (the mailman quit)
I will update this list as needed. I expect I will need to update it soon.
Number 15 is technically not confirmed. We don't know for SURE it was Buster in the neighbors' piano. It could have been any coconut crab. (It was probably Buster.)
Visitors: 2,847 — Mostly Gerald checking if I posted about him (I did, Gerald. I always do.)
Sandra dear, you are always welcome at my house. Your father says Gerald needs "professional help" but I think he just needs fewer crabs. Come for dinner Sunday?
Harold doesn't understand crab passion and he never will. Also yes we'll come Sunday. Can I bring Captain Pinch II?
NO.